Our Breastfeeding Journey

It has been a little more than three months since our breastfeeding journey ended. It ended abruptly and it wasn’t at all what I had planned. I have been wanting to write about this for awhile and I just haven’t given myself the time to do it. I think that I’ve also been a little hesitant to share about it especially since it didn’t exactly end as I had planned. So, unfortunately, now I have to switch gears a bit and adjust how I will write this post. But, as motherhood keeps teaching me, flexibility is my biggest challenge as I have had to learn to let go of control and just go with whatever happens day to day.

I’ve had a harder time with this transition than I expected (and would like to admit) and maybe that’s why I have put off writing about it, because I’m still figuring out how I feel. I wasn’t ready to end breastfeeding and I’ll admit that it wasn’t exactly a graceful ending. I’ve had to learn to shift my mindset and do a lot of reframing in order to help myself feel better about it. To be proud of my body that we made it nine months instead of being upset that we didn’t make it longer. To give myself time to grieve that loss of connection but to realize that we still have so much more and a lot to look forward to. To have more grace with myself because motherhood isn’t a cakewalk, by any means, although it is worth every moment. It’s a process but I’ll get there.

When I was pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. There was no question about that. It was the best option to feed my baby and give her all the best nutrients that she needed in those early months. My goal was that I wanted to make it a full year. Especially after having Elena via C-section, I was even more determined since we didn’t get the benefits of a vaginal birth. Here’s a little science coming your way… It’s said that when pushed through the birth canal, babies are coated in what ends up being lots of healthy bacteria which helps form the beginnings of a baby’s microbiome. This helps develop their gut and immune system. When born via c-section, babies miss out on that first dose of bacteria and it’s believed that c-section babies have higher rates of allergies and asthma because of this. But, breastfeeding has also been shown to help shape the microbiome and build a healthy balance of bacteria. I wanted to make sure she could get all the nutrients and health benefits that my body could provide her for as long as possible.

Despite a long and challenging labor and delivery, Elena was born completely strong and healthy. I didn’t get the initial skin-to-skin that I wanted but we were able to breastfeed immediately in recovery. My milk came in immediately and she latched with almost no issues. We were lucky when it came to learning to breastfeed. Trust me, when I say there was a learning curve though. It’s not something that mom or baby instantly know how to do. We had to learn together and learn what worked for both of us. I want to say that it was a good 4 to 6 weeks before we really got the hang of it and learned what worked for each of us.

We had a couple sessions with a lactation consultant before leaving the hospital and some help from one of the nurses during a well-check. Thank goodness for them because I felt so lost in those first weeks as we tried to find our groove. And thank goodness for Adam’s patience between all the tears, frustration, confusion, and having to wake up every three hours to nurse on top of a c-section recovery. He was a trooper and did a lot of the leg work those first few weeks, even setting an alarm to make sure we were waking up every three hours in the very beginning!

We eventually settled into a good rhythm and it was working so well for us. It gave me comfort knowing I was able to provide all this goodness for Elena and knowing that I was a huge source of comfort for her too. It made me feel so good and so needed knowing that I was the only one who could provide this for her. Although, on the other hand, some moments it was really overwhelming, exhausting, and a lot of pressure.

The late night, early mornings, and long feeding sessions were all worth it though. We had talked about starting a family for years and we were so ready to have a baby when I found out that I was finally pregnant. At the time, I was in my last year of grad school. So for the entirety of my pregnancy I was going to school and working full-time. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I had a really hard time balancing everything. Not to mention, I was struggling with a long commute to both work and school. I also wasn’t enjoying my job. All of this caused a lot of stress and I had a really hard time feeling connected to my baby the majority of my pregnancy. I feel ashamed to say that but I was juggling so many things and emotions, l wasn’t able to fully focus on my growing baby. It wasn’t until my maternity leave started that I was really able to give myself the time and space to connect with her and my pregnancy.

But, on top of struggling with that, I really struggled with not having the birth I had planned and hoped for. The first half of my labor kind of went according to my birth plan, although way longer than I wanted. When things weren’t progressing as they should and we had to change plans I felt defeated again. Although I understand that the safest route for both of us was to have a c-section, I still struggled with feeling disconnected. Fortunately I didn’t have to fully go under. I was able to be awake with Adam by my side but I was so drugged up that none of that really mattered. I was so out of it from the drugs and the exhaustion in those first few hours after Elena being born. Plus, we missed out on that immediate skin-to-skin. I lacked that immediate connection I so wished for.

Breastfeeding was my saving grace for all of this. That lack of connection that I kept feeling was saved because of the connection that I gained by getting to feed my baby countless times everyday. It may not have been the way that I planned but it eventually gave me that connection I yearned for. It was a moment for just her and me. A quiet moment. A sweet moment. A moment where I knew I was doing the best thing that I could for her. A moment where I had no choice but to slow down with her, look at her, and soak up her sweet smell and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

I loved the way that she would look up at me and smile or hold onto my finger. There was really no better feeling then in those sweet moments. Even if I was beyond exhausted. Most times, she would even hold onto my necklace as she nursed which is an imprint of my mom’s thumbprint and that I always loved. She still loves to play with it today and I think it’s the sweetest thing even if she may not realize what it symbolizes.

I really loved being able to breastfeed. Maybe that sounds weird but I love how it made me feel needed and I loved that it finally made me feel connected to my baby. I’m sad that it’s over for us but I’m grateful for what it has given us. I know the connection doesn’t end here, it will continue to grow even without that.

My body was getting tired and just stopped producing enough for her. I started exercising consistently again and as much as I tried to keep it up, I noticed my supply slowly dropping. Even as I kept trying to pump for her too. I think her timeline was just different than mine. I wanted to go for a year but she was ready to wean sooner than that. She was also starting to bite so our feeding sessions ended up being more anxiety-provoking for both of us than was necessary. I was anxious because I knew it would end with her biting me and then my reaction would scare her and she’d end up crying. It wasn’t working for either one of us anymore.

One night, we were up around 2am for a feeding and barely a minute in she bit me. I jumped and as much as I tried not to scare her she ended up upset and screaming. I remember telling Adam, “I can’t do this anymore,” and asked him to make a bottle. We had struggled in those previous months getting Elena to take a bottle. She fought us hard every time, maybe because nursing was so easy and convenient for us both. Plus, since I was home full time, I didn’t have a need to give her a bottle sooner. I didn’t have high hopes that she’d go for it but that night things changed. I guess we were both ready because she took the bottle without a problem. I said that I would keep trying but I think deep down I knew that was our last nursing session although I didn’t want to admit it. I tried to pump for another week or so but my body had decided it was done.

And that’s okay. It may not have been the full year like I had planned but we had a great nine months of it and for that I’m grateful. My body worked hard to grow a baby, birth a baby, and then feed a baby. I need to look at what I accomplished instead of what didn’t end up happening.

My intention here is not to be sad or a downer in any way, my intent is to be real. This has been on my heart since the transition and I think writing and sharing about it is healing for me. This is the reality of motherhood, at least the reality of my motherhood. It’s one side of it that isn’t the prettiest. But, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it. I’ve learned so much from every experience and continue to grow because of it. It’s ugly pretty. If that makes any sense. From the tears and the pain came something absolutely incredible. And as I’ve said, and will continue to say… this is just the beginning as our journey continues. It is one of the many stops along the path of a wonderfully challenging road.