13 Years
Last Saturday marked 13 years.
13 years without her beautiful smile. 13 years I’ve missed her hugs. 13 years since I became a motherless daughter. And now a motherless mom.
These days are never easy but over the years I’ve learned how to cope, to the best of my abilities, and how to be gentle with myself on the harder days. Although I was still sad, this year felt like one of the “easier” years.
This is not what I had ever imagined it would look like when my babygirl met her Grandma Mel for the first time. This is not what I wanted. This is not how it should be, standing in a cold mausoleum and pointing to the glass of her little cubby. Asking Adam to snap a few pictures feels awkward but it’s also a real moment that I feel is okay to capture. This is my reality. Overwhelmed with emotions as I have to figure out the best way to navigate this part of my journey.
I have felt so much heartache since I was first pregnant with Elena. Not because I wasn’t happy or excited. But because I couldn’t imagine bringing her into this world. A world without my mom. I couldn’t imagine going through pregnancy and motherhood without her guidance.
She would have been over the moon. She would have been an amazing grandma. I wish more than anything to have the chance to see her smile with pride as she met her first grandbaby. To see her love on Elena the way I know she would have. Unfortunately I’ll never get that but I can imagine it in my head. What I do know though is that Elena has a wonderful guardian angel watching over her.
There is no shortage of grandparents’ love or people to snuggle her, and for that I’m grateful. But it still doesn’t replace the void in my heart.
I point her out in pictures and tell Elena about her. I sing Elena the song that she sang to Holls and I when we were little. Elena loves to play with my necklace, which is my mom’s thumbprint. In fact, she would always grab for it and hold onto it when she nursed. She will know her Grandma Mel, there’s no doubt about that. Maybe not in the way I had always hoped for. But, maybe, she already knows her. Elena was a gift to us given at the right moment and just maybe she was picked for us by her angel grandma.
Elena Noel; she shares her middle name with her Grandma Mel. It was so important to me to be able to pass that on. I know she will be a bright light in this world and I hope she always knows where she comes from and the meaning of her name which she will always carry with her.
The hurt is deep and the grief can be suffocating some days. But the love is deeper. The pain is deep though because the love was deep and unconditional. That’s what keeps me moving forward especially on the tough days. It gives me the strength to be the best mama to Elena that I can be. For that love, I am immensely grateful and I can’t wait to tell Elena all about her as she grows up.
